Tag Archives: $1000

The $1,000 Bagel Is Here. Run For the Hills

Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek. 

Society has a way of showing its undergarments, even as it insists that it’s dressed for a wedding.

These days, we know there’s something askew in the world, yet there are those who can’t help but parade their excesses.

Because, I don’t know, America. Or something.

Here, then, is a delicacy for which so many have been apparently screaming. 

The $ 1,000 bagel.

Courtesy of the Westin New York — yes, the one in Times Square — this is an item you will surely covet.

“Serious thought was put into the creation of the city’s first outrageous bagel to ensure the hefty price tag doesn’t just get patrons an overpriced piece of bread,” said the Westin’s press release.

If there’s one thing New York is desperate for, it’s more outrageous windbaggery.

I’m sorry, I mean windbagelery. 

Why, though, is this bagel worth $ 1,000?

Well, it’s whole wheat.

And then there’s, oh, let the creator take over. 

Frank Tujague, the hotel’s executive chef, explained to NPR: “I used a Mascarpone cream cheese, which is an Italian cream cheese. It’s a little less sweet. And I paired it with a wine jelly. So it’s not your normal grape smear that you get in the morning.”

Do you have time for a grape smear in the morning? Is that on Starbucks’ secret menu? I can barely smear a little Aquafresh on my teeth, never mind some grape concoction.

But wait, Tujague isn’t done.

He pours truffles over all this. Because truffles are decadent, expensive and entirely pointless first thing in the morning.

That’s still only worth, oh, a few discarded shillings and some tattered Louis Vuitton luggage. So what else is on this thing?

Why, gold, of course. Edible gold. 

Which, you might imagine, tastes very similar to, say, a dirty penny.

“It’s pretty neutral in taste,” insisted Tujague.

“So why put it there?” I hear you scream.

Oh, it’s for the color. And the decadence. And for some exalted oaf to declaim in a meeting on Wall Street that they’ve already stuffed their face with gold this morning.

Unsurprisingly, this isn’t the first time the hotel has served this homage to spiritual despair.

It was first offered in 2007. 

Yes, not long before the huge crash that enveloped everyone but those in certain fine banks.

And now it’s back by popular demand. Or should that be elitist demand?

Is this bombastic bagold a portent of doom? Or is it just another mindless indicator of the gap between rich and poor?

Perhaps mindful of this, the Westin is, I understand, giving 100 percent of all the proceeds to the Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen.

Of course, it could just get guests to give $ 1,000 to the Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen.

But where’s the PR in that?

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